Ode to our Old Apartment

Ode to Our Old Apartment:  This is where we used to live


Dear Yucky Old Apartment,

I would like to say that things have been great here, and that we are going to miss you...but I'm not gonna lie.  It hasn't really been a little piece of heaven.  Your carpet is yucky and stained, and hair is painted into the baseboards (gross!)  The fire alarm goes off every time I cook (so, daily) and the oven closed on my hand last month (at 350* no less!)  The television reception doesn't even pick up Channel 5.  Skunks live on our back porch (as Dylan experienced one night), and our neighbor plays music and jumps on a trampoline (seemingly) all night long.  (P.S. Noisy neighbor, whom we have dubbed "Richard Simmons," we called the cops on you the other night.  I normally wouldn't have, but the light fixture fell from the ceiling from the vibration.  I felt it necessary.  Sorry.)  Our bedrooms are so cold we wake up with frozen noses.  The dishwasher sounds like a freight train when it is on, and the refrigerator runs (loudly) constantly.  We can smell all the smells of all our neighbors all the time, whether it is fried chicken, curry, or burnt brussels sprouts.  That's a bad combination when I'm trying to eat breakfast.  Ewww.  The parking is atrocious, and there's a man who is always sitting in his car in the parking lot.  Staring.  Hmm.  I'm not sure why.  Dear old apartment, I'm not a complainer usually.  I try to stay pretty positive, but we just can't live here anymore.  I'm sorry.  So don't take anything personally.  But don't worry.  There will be somebody new to spill more coffee on your carpet and be cold in your bedrooms.  But it won't be us! 

P.S.  Richard, how do you stay so fit?  Is it really the trampoline, or the dancing, or is it because you run up and down the apartment stairs all night long?  I was just wondering.